Lord of the Bed
by Emotionless Whisper
Summary: An extremely stupid story about Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli competing for Arwens heart.


"Gimli. You have no a chance in Rivendel of sleeping with Elrond's daughter." Legolas said simply picking up the comb.  
  
"But I have a beard. Women like men with beards… Looooooooooong beards." He replied stroking it lovingly.  
  
"Both of you have got it all wrong. Women like the rugged look." Aragorn muttered turning to face the mirror. They all admired their reflections.

"Do you have any of that… Oh what's it called?" Gimli thinks to himself.

"Deodorant?" Aragorn suggests.

He scowls. "No. I was going to say…"

"Perfume?" Legolas asks smirking.

"Only poofs carry perfume. And I don't know if you've noticed but what's that bottle sticking out of your pocket?"

Legolas looks down blushing. "It… It is for lady Arwen."

Gimli whips it out. "Then why does it say, Perfume for men. The smell will make your lady… horny…?" He raises and eyebrow at him.

"Legolas was just… playing." Aragorn smiles.

"Give me that you stupid little dwarf." He chases him around the room.

"Boys? Dinner." Arwen calls.

They stop.

"No!" Legolas mutters turning white. He puts his hands on his head. "My hair. It's a mess!!! Quick, Aragorn! Pass me the gel!"

"Sorry, it's all gone." Aragorn says walking over to the door. He leaves him shortly followed by Gimli.

"Good luck with that mate." He growls.

Aragorn and Gimli join Arwen and her farther at the table.

"Is Legolas not coming to join us?" She asks confused.

They look at one another. "No…" Aragorn says slowly. "He's having a few… difficulties."

"Nothing to awful I hope?" Arwen mutters.

"No. Nothing to…"

"It is all right my lady. I am here." Legolas walks down the stone steps.

"Young Elf. Please explain to us why do you have your hood up?" Elrond asks sternly, resting his arms on the table.

Legolas sits down next to Gimli. "Oh, I thought I'd start a new trend. You know how it is."

"No." He replies.

"Oh well. Maybe you don't…" He fiddles with his fork.

"Hmm…"

Chapter 2

Later that evening…

"So, what did you think of dinner?" Arwen handing out Lembas bread.

Aragorn nods. "It was delicious my queen."

"Queen? I am no queen." Though she blushes with pride.

"That has just given me and idea." Legolas says standing up. He takes Arwen's hands. "My lady. A queen is someone who is loaded with cash. Someone's whose clothes never clash. Someone whose heart is always in the right place. Someone with your beautiful face."

Gimli rolls his eyes at Aragorn. He nods pretending to stick his fingers down his throat.

"Sad." Even Elrond agrees.

"Oh Legolas. You poet you." She kisses his cheek lightly. "Oh farther. Wasn't that beautiful?"

"Not really." He looks away.

Arwen smiles. "Legolas. Come with me a minute."

"Do you want that perfume back then?" Gimli asks chucking it over to him.

He catches it with ease.

"What's this?" Arwen asks taking it off him.

"Oh it's nothing really…" Legolas stammers.

"Perfume to make your lady horny! You sick sick boy!" She smacks him round the face throwing the bottle out the window. "Ew."

Gimli chuckles as she storms up the stairs. "I think you in their mate."

"Well if you think you can do any better smelly, you try."

"Try what?" Elrond asks.

"Nothing. Nothing." They all stammer.

"I am not impressed with your actions Legolas. You will sleep outside tonight."

"Really! Why thank you!" He yells jumping out the window.

Elrond raises and eyebrow at the two remaining contestants.

"Good night. Sir." They run off.

"Hmm…"

Chapter 3

"Arwen?" Gimli calls through the bedroom door.

"Come in." She says.

He walks in to find her already laying on the bed. She sits up.

"What can I do for you?"

He holds back the temptation to squeal with delight. "Well really Arwen. I mean, my lady. I came to apologise for Legolas's actions earlier. He was way out of order."

She smiles. "Why thank you Gimli. That is very sweet of you. But, can you leave now please?"

"Oh. Right. Sorry."

"Actually. No. I'm sorry. Please stay."

"Ok. Right then."

"Is there a lady back home?" She whispers.

"Err… apart from my mother no."

"I see."

_She wants me_. He thinks. "Would you like to stroke my beard?"

"What! No! Yuck. Get out!!!!!!"

Gimli jumps back startled. "I am so sorry…. Ididn't mean…

"Get ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

He darts for the door. Once he gets outside he bumps into Elrond.

"What were you doing in my daughters room?"

"We were talking."

"Hm…"

Chapter 4

Arwen looked out of her bedroom window the next day. Aragorn comes in.

"Breakfast is served downstairs." He heads to walk out the door.

"Wait. Aragorn."

He looks round. "Yes my lady."

"I need to talk to you."

"Of course. Please go ahead."

"Do you remember when I gave you my necklace?"

"Yes."

"Do you know why I gave it to you?"

He stays silent a moment. "No."

She smiles. "I gave it to you because, Aragron. I love…"

She doesn't get any further. An Orc jumps in through the window.

"Hello pretty one."

Arwen blushes looking at the floor. "Why thank you. You are rather handsome yourself."

The Orc's exasperation changes. "The name's Bob." He says holding out his hand.

Arwen shakes it. "Tell me, Bob. Do you like long walks on the beach?"

"I don't know about beaches but I do love long walks."

"Shall we go then?"

"Yes. Yes, Yes!"

He takes her hand and picks her up.

"Oh Bob!" She cries lovingly.

He walks over to the door. "Shall I carry you downstairs?"

"Yes. Yes. Yes!"

And so it was decided. The Orc was the Lord of the Bed.


End file.
